Small and Simple, but not Easy
By Jenn Curtis
When I become emotionally overwhelmed, I also become an insomniac. When my children were in school, during one of these times in my life, I’d be so paranoid that I wouldn’t hear my alarm, that I couldn’t, even for a few hours, stay asleep. I’d look like a zombie most of the time. Getting things done at home felt like as if I had a millstone around my neck. Having other kids over, not happening. Having a social life, not happening. Having a great marriage, not happening. At this time in my life, I experienced being emotionally overwhelmed every day. Throw in depression on top of it all and that was me a decade ago. I felt isolated and alone as I stated to face my same-sex attraction. Even my relationship with God hurt; I believed he was disappointed in me for a myriad of reasons. I felt lost and hopeless.
I even struggled with “normal” daily activities like brushing and flossing my teeth, which may sound gross, but if you’ve been where I am, you’ll instantly understand.
I struggled with correcting this behavior. I’d walk to the mirror at night, brush my teeth in anger at how stupid this was and how time consuming it became. I’d have to give myself a pep talk to keep going. Brushing got done, but flossing, mostly not. And then, my one tooth hurt and eventually I made a dental appointment. I know, I wasn’t having a regular yearly appointment; I even want to be judged for my dental care. I called up a dentist, had the visit, and the consequences slapped me in the face. A $1,500 dentist bill, plus some gum problems. Lesson learned? No. It would take another five years to get me to sit in another dental chair and let the horrors of gum disease sink in if I didn’t change my ways. I went home from that visit $1,500 poorer, looked myself in the mirror, and cried.
Every part of my life felt like this dental drama. I couldn’t consistently eat healthy, exercise, or be a good spouse. I couldn’t consistently have a sleep schedule, be present for my kids, or work at a relationship with God. And then I read Alma 37:6 “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” The concept hit hard, right in my gut. I pondered on this idea. I mulled it over until I realized I believed in worrying about the big problems: what to do about being same-sex attracted, how will I repair the relationship with my husband, why don’t I care about going to church each week, or why does God seem to hate me. Maybe, I needed to worry about the small problems that I could figure out each day. I could start my day with scriptures, putting God first each day. I could go on a walk after eating a healthy breakfast. I could make my bed, accomplishing a task that makes me less likely to curl up and forget the world. I could pray throughout the day. I could invite an acquaintance to lunch, so that maybe they could become a friend. I could meal plan for the week. I could read and ponder about what the sacrament means to me. Maybe, just maybe, this scripture is true: great things will come to pass!
At the start of this new venture, flossing was on my list. I’d like to reassure you all that I now brush and floss regularly. I see my dentist without huge bills. However, there are some nights, when I’m extra tired, I brush and think, “It’s okay, I don’t need to do floss tonight. What’s one night?” I admit, then I make a guttural sound, throw open the cabinet door, grab the floss and mumble words that I shouldn’t write out loud. But I do it. Maybe one day I will learn to enjoy it, even love it perhaps.
A former Senator said, “The only preparation for that one profound decision which can change a life, or even a nation, is those hundreds and thousands of half-conscious, self-defining seemingly insignificant decisions made in private.” I agree with this statement. This is how I improved my emotional resilience and sleep patterns. My tiny decisions each day strengthened my marriage and relationship with my kids. I reconciled my same sex attraction and the gospel of Jesus Christ. It took work and time to change, and it happened by working on the “small and simple things.” I am not perfect each day, but practicing line upon line or floss upon floss will get me closer to my goal: to become a better version of me that won’t bow my head in shame when I see the Lord. It was bad enough trying to look the dentist in the eye. I believe I can have a much more joyful reunion when I meet Jesus Christ face to face and look Him in the eye.