A Gift Received, A Gift Given
By Nickolas Coons
God's divine design is ever present in our lives, guiding us to realize our divine potential.
Over the past couple months, I have been back and forth trying to find the best thing to inspire and up lift those who happen to read this blog post. I fought to create something deep and profound but in the final moments of everything I wrote, none of it felt right.
In the last moments of night, still trying to rack my mind and heart to come up with something profound, I kept coming back to sharing a part of me and my story to help introduce my hopes in working with this blog and why I volunteered to lead this project in the first place.
Some odd 18 month ago, give or take a few, is where a change really started to happen in me. I was adrift in the unknown and, I believe, stuck in the heartache where many of us have lived before. I found no way forward, stuck between, what I believed to be, two conflicting truths. On one side, I fought to not admit, or even think, to myself that I may be gay. On the other side, that if I permitted even the thought to cross my mind, let alone my lips, I was throwing everything I know to be true, good and pure to the wayside; that I would be tossing out the only never-failing knowledge I had: that Jesus is the Christ. These rivaling thoughts fought each other for as long as I could remember with neither relenting.
My hopes seemed to be unabatingly cursed by this state of battling contraries until I happened upon a hope that caused me to take heart and feed my faith for a better existence. It led me to somewhere better, a place where I could live the gospel unashamed while also allowing myself to accept my same sex attraction. The Voices of Hope project found me one night. I bookmarked it to listen to for the morning commute to work. Listening during that 40-minute commute filled me with a hope that brought about 35 minutes of joyous tears. Could it be? Could this "North Star" hold a newfound hope for me?
Within the coming months I found myself with a ticket to my very first North Star conference. Not knowing much of what to expect, I was anxious and feared that it may turn out like every other time I tried to meet new people: I would walk away disappointed. But I also knew if it was ever going to be different, I had to push myself out of my cleverly crafted box. I soon found myself at the new comers’ session and tried to put myself out there. I was greeted by some great members of the North Star community, but I couldn’t quite get away from my “rain cloud” of continual doubt, saying it will never be any different than it had been. Even with some really great introductions to these great lights to the world, I still felt this night would feel interchangeable with any other time in my life. I had then made up my mind and decided to leave. I had one last thing I had to do before I left, I had wanted to find and say hi to someone that had reached out to me. He had hoped to join me for a few sessions when the conference officially started the next day, to help support me attending my first conference. I asked God in a silent prayer to bolster my resolve in making the best of this weekend, that I may attain what I could only feel I was missing.
In the last moment, not being able to find him, I started for the parking lot. It is often said "The darkest hour is just before the dawn." That is the best way to describe, when I found him from across the crowd, the sight of God’s divine hand had appeared in my life one more time.
As I trusted in the Lord, I introduced myself and he instantly proceeded to introduce me to many others in the North Star community. From that moment on, I was welcomed in. I found rest for my aching, isolated soul. This new community played part to the mending of my soul, and invited me into a place where God was able to show me who I am and who I could be. I decided to stay for the remainder of the opening social, which lead me to be delighted in knowing that we were all brothers in Christ, we were One in Christ [1].
After the last day of the North Star conference, I shared with a few friends the following journal entry,
"…[having] gone back and forth trying to decide if I should share, thinking that no one would want to read what I have written. But if there was one person to benefit from my experience/words it is well worth it…For the longest time the only friend I seemed to have was loneliness. I have had this neighboring foe as far back as my memories take me. I never thought there would be anything to rid me of my solitude. Though surrounded by a great community, desolation rode rampant within my heart. I arrived at The North Star Conference not really knowing what I expected. I only had hopes, but these hopes grew into an authentic, palpable reality…"
As mentioned if there is one person to benefit from these experiences/words, it is well worth my time spent prayerfully writing them. I continued,
"…a band of brothers arrived in a solidarity that can only be conveyed as Gods tender mercies…Not only did this very special group of people rescue me but it seems like I found God through all of them, or God found me through them. God's grace was shown to me and embodied within those [brothers in Christ]…"
Through God’s divine design I received a gift that I can never repay but I can try to be an instrument in God's hands so that He can give this gift to others. I have come to believe that all we need to do is lift — lift where we stand [2]—and my desire is to help those of who think hope is all but gone. I know that hope is not gone but lives vividly with our Savior, Lord, and Brother Jesus Christ.
1-The theme of the North Star Conference in 2022.
2-Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Lift Where You Stand,” Ensign, Nov. 2008