Seeing Myself in the Family Proclamation

By Alex Lindstrom

There is a lot of uncertainty in my life. I don’t always know what my life will look like from month to month and year to year. It is sometimes tempting for me to see this as something exclusive to being gay, but I presume it’s a struggle I share with many Latter-day Saints in a variety of situations. However, I feel like my situation is what led me to seek further understanding and clarity in The Family: A Proclamation to the World and how I have a sense of spiritual belonging in God’s plan.

The prophet Joseph Smith accurately explained how I sometimes feel when it comes to matters of sexuality being debated in the public square. Just like he felt tossed about between different religious sects creating “no small stir and division amongst the people” (Joseph Smith History 1:5), I too feel like a political football thrown back and forth in these discussions, placed in one box or another based on my sexual orientation or the Latter-day Saint beliefs that I hold.

Joseph Smith’s claim of a “war of words and tumult of opinions” is also an appropriate description of how I felt when it came to same-sex marriage in the United States. I noticed words like “love” and other words or phrases, upon which most people would generally agree, were carefully used to persuade people into specific ways of thinking. I could tell people of good intent had a variety of different opinions. Yet this led me to wonder what my own position was. I wanted to be open-minded, but I also needed direction from the Holy Ghost.

I was already familiar with many teachings in the Family Proclamation. I didn’t view the basic teachings of the Church regarding marriage as hateful or problematic. I actually felt peaceful when I would hear talks about the sacred nature of marriage between a man and a woman. I recognized many of the principles and patterns of the Proclamation within my own family. I was also personally comforted with provisions for those who might have different family arrangements due to a variety of circumstances: “Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”

I also understood that the Church greatly valued agency and respected the choices and beliefs of others. Therefore, I wondered why it was so important to defend this doctrine in reference to our greater society. Did we want to force others to live gospel standards through the rule of law? Why was it important to recognize marriage as being between a man and a woman?

I felt like I needed some sort of closure on this; a landing place to at least rest and know where to stand on the definition of marriage. I prayed. I attended the temple. I read The Family Proclamation, but also with increasingly greater intent, wondering what it had to do with society as a whole, not merely as a religious principle specifically for people who are already religious to hold. In other words, why did this have to be a “state” issue instead of just a ”church” issue? Other phrases and paragraphs started to stand out to me. “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” This helped me see that although it doesn’t happen in all situations, by birthright, children are deserving of a father and a mother.

I also read the warnings found toward the end of the Proclamation: “…we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.” Furthermore, there was an important plea: “We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

These principles and warnings gave me a greater understanding. I had the impression that perhaps the traditional family unit has played and still plays a fundamental role in the society we have, like the foundation of a building. I’ve noticed a divine complementarity between the stewardships of both men and women and their natural propensities and roles in the development of children. Even as a single gay man, I acknowledge that I still need the influence of women in my life as part of that divine complementarity and equality of both men and women.

We often talk about personal morality and of the family unit being able to stay intact beyond the grave through the sealing ordinance, but I came to the conclusion that even in the world here and now, the family unit with a married mother and father is still an important piece of society beyond simply being part of our doctrine and that of other religions. I can see how the breakdown and undermining of that unit has led to much of the confusion and many of the tragedies I see happening around me.

Reading the Family Proclamation in a more purposeful way helped me understand why leaders of the Church often feel it necessary to speak on the roles of the family. I still remember right where I prayed on this topic and received my own answer. I needed to support the efforts to preserve marriage as defined between a man and a woman. Looking back, I can’t say that I knew what should or shouldn’t have happened. I know several good people who landed in a variety of places on the topic and possibly from different, understandable lenses. I just had a perspective to share based upon the answers I have received from my prayer.

Simultaneously, I take comfort in the teachings regarding those who do not have this family situation. Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, “To declare the fundamental truths relative to marriage and family is not to overlook or diminish the sacrifices and successes of those for whom the ideal is not a present reality… Even so, everyone has gifts; everyone has talents; everyone can contribute to the unfolding of the divine plan in each generation” (Why Marriage, Why Family, April 2015 General Conference). I realized that even those of us who do not have the ideal could still gain unique perspectives on family life and defend the basic principles found in the Proclamation.

This doesn’t change how I try to treat those who avail themselves of the rights that are now available associated with same-sex marriage. It’s just like any other neighborly interaction. There is harmony particularly when we both understand each other and share commonality in several different ways. I personally believe that there is merit to the love and commitment human beings can share with one another. I, myself, have been open to some sort of covenantkeeping companionship that is non-sexual, non-romantic with another man who has similar values. With my experiences with the doctrine of the family, I see a same-sex relationship as fundamentally different from marriage. This is not to say that I, nor the love that I have to give is somehow “less than,” which leads to my next point.

The Proclamation helps me know that I belong in God’s kingdom. In part, this is due simply to the spirit that I feel in connection with the gospel teachings on the family. More specifically, though, they also speak to my own worth as an individual. Everyone “is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.” By virtue of being a son of God, I belong. I certainly have questions. However, those questions are swallowed up in the knowledge of my divine identity and in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I view my questions and longings as sacred as I wait upon the Lord for further understanding and direction. They are not always meant to be shared among some who might encourage doubt.

Staying close to the Lord and to my covenants has allowed me to see the blessings associated with my attractions. Complimentary to the family unit are opportunities for friendship, brotherhood, sisterhood, and other forms of connection that are very much in harmony with the gospel, in fact they are a key part of what will make Zion a place of so much joy. I am very thankful for the people who have come into my life, in part, because of my experiences with same-sex attraction. Surrounding myself with others who are in similar situations and who are committed to the gospel has shown me I need not repress or destroy my passions, but rather I need to steward and use them in morally righteous ways. As the prophet, Alma, said, “…bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love” (Alma 38:12). Certainly, friendship is one place to direct that love, for people single and married alike.

I am thankful for the Family Proclamation and for the inspiration that brought it into being. It has brought me a sense of peace and understanding. Even as a single man in the Church, I try to live up to its principles with what I have now, alongside other participants in this glorious work. I have a place as an individual in the family of God.