Same-Sex Attraction Women
Connect with Our Community
We are a supportive community of women who experience same-sex attraction. We believe in a place where people can feel welcomed, loved, and have a sense of belonging. Among other things, we host online gatherings, temple trips and social activities. As we navigate our feelings of same-sex attraction, we strive to stay close to Christ, the gospel, and keep our baptismal and temple covenants.
Resources
Keynote Address: Shannon Rants, Her Own Journey, 2022 North Star Conference
Keynote Address: Jared Halverson, The Paradox Between Love and Law, 2022 North Star Conference
Keynote Address: Emily Belle Freeman & David Butler, Welcome at the Table, 2020 North Star Conference
Keynote Address: Becky & Bennett Borden, Our Journey, 2017 North Star Conference
Keynote Address: Eve Tushnet, My Story, 2016 North Star Conference
Keynote Address: Wendy Ulrich, Trust All You Can, 2014 North Star Conference
Liahona Article by Sheyla Leon, Experiencing Christ’s Power as an Amputee with Same-Sex Attraction
Voices from our Community
Find inspiration and encouragement from personal experiences of SSA women in the North Star Community.
Voices of Hope Stories
Jenn Curtis | Laurie | Liv | Myrna | Tami & Ben
Voices of Hope Podcasts
#03 Jenn & Anjanette - Host Introductions
Firesides
Jen Spencer, testimony from 2021 North Star Christmas Fireside
Myrna Moll, testimony from 2022 North Star Christmas Fireside
Frequently Asked Questions
Here are some frequently asked questions regarding same-sex attraction for women. If you have additional questions, comments, or concerns please join the SSA Women’s FaceBook page or email contact@northstarsaints.org
What is Female Same-sex attraction?
“Same-gender attraction” generally refers to romantic or erotic feelings for another woman. But in a broader sense, it can also mean intellectual, spiritual, and emotional feelings that draw you to women. Many women are attracted to women that they feel an emotional bond with that they do not feel with male peers or partners. You may recognize a magnetic pull toward a woman or an exciting spark in a friendship that makes you think about and want to be with her often. There are no clear-cut lines, and the difference between having a best friend and falling in love with a best friend is not always clear. When carefully and prayerfully examined, you can learn to discern between a close platonic friendship and one that includes an unhealthy romantic attraction. Finding yourself falling in love over and over again with female friends, mission companions, or roommates is a pattern consistent for someone who experiences same-sex attraction. You can choose how you respond to this aspect of your life, and God will generously help you understand its meaning and impact as you reach out to Him for insight and guidance.
I believe I’m romantically attracted to women, do I need to choose a label?
The following quote is taken from the chapter, “Being My True Self” by Tyler Moore, found in the book, Voice(s) of Hope compiled by Ty Mansfield.
“At the beginning of this journey, I thought I would have to tell everyone I was gay in order to be authentic. I was wrong on two counts. First of all, I simply don’t choose that label for myself; the common understanding of that word doesn’t define me or resonate with how I desire to live my life. Am I attracted to other guys? You bet! But I’m not acting out sexually on those desires, and I fully support the Lord’s prophets and apostles in their teaching regarding the sanctity of heterosexual marriage and the sexual intimacy that must be reserved exclusively for that union. Second, I do not have to discuss my attractions with everyone I get emotionally close to. It’s part of who I am but certainly not the essence of who I am.
I’ve learned that what so many in what is commonly referred to as the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community told me is absolutely correct. I do need to be “true to myself.” My true self, my first and foremost identity, is a brave son of God. From this identity I gain the ability to be a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a friend, and a student–all secondary to my primary identity. Because I am a son of God, I can lay my weaknesses and sins at the feet of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As I have allowed Him to take my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh, He has made true peace possible.”
We do need to be true to ourselves! We are daughters of God! This is the label we choose to claim above all others.
“My true self, my first and foremost identity, is a brave and strong daughter of God. From this identity I gain the ability to be a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. All other identities are secondary to my primary identity. Because I am a daughter of God, I can lay my weaknesses and sins at the feet of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As I allow Him to take my heart, He makes true peace possible.”
Will these attractions ever go away?
For most people, their attractions don’t disappear entirely or quickly. Sometimes the feelings will shift to become less intense and less intrusive over time, but even if this doesn’t happen, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. No matter what happens to the feelings, we learn to appreciate the gifts that come with them and decide to make choices consistent with the gospel. We draw closer to God as we seek direction and comfort. As you pray to understand the role same-sex attraction plays in your life, your Heavenly Father will open your eyes to gifts and blessings you may not have expected. While your attractions may not change, or may not change entirely, what can change is our hearts with a deeper commitment to the gospel and a closer relationship to Jesus Christ.
How do I fit into God’s Plan as someone who experiences same-sex attraction?
We fit into God’s plan because we are all His children and His plan includes everyone. In the January 2023 digital edition of the Liahona for Young Adults, we have quotes from our two North Star founding members. In the article, “What If I Don’t Have a Place in Heavenly Father’s Plan?,” by Jeff Bennion, he answers this question. He wrote,
“My friend and colleague Ty Mansfield described a similar truth. As a man who experiences same-sex attraction, Ty witnessed the spiritual growth that can take place as we anchor our lives in Jesus Christ and willingly surrender our entire hearts to Him, allowing Him to consecrate all difficult experiences for our gain. For Ty, that began as the Spirit taught him “that whether I ever married, I was infinitely loved and accepted by God. My responsibility was to continue to live one day at a time while seeking and following the guidance of the Spirit.”
Then in the article “Finding the Divine Design in Our “Un-ideal” Family,” by Jenet Erickson, she quotes Ty Mansfield:
“Following Jesus Christ Is the Key
Like Elijah, I sometimes felt that my journey was too great to bear. But I felt so loved and understood by the Lord in that moment. I knew that He understood my circumstances and that my suffering mattered to Him. And if I partook of the spiritual sustenance that only He could provide, I would receive strength to continue my journey.
I’ve learned through both trials and spiritual experiences that the many bumps on the road and detours in life don’t stop us from having a place in Heavenly Father’s plan.
I learned that living by faith in Jesus Christ is the ultimate life plan! If we are walking by faith and keeping our covenants, no matter our personal or family situation, we are moving forward in His plan…
That is the essence of God’s plan: to lead us along the covenant path and to welcome each one of us back into His loving arms. And as we follow Him, we can most definitely see that each one of us does have a place in His plan.”
In the For the Strength of Youth Handbook, the church shares with us God’s love.
“I am attracted to people of my same sex. How do these standards apply to me?
Feeling same-sex attraction is not a sin. If you have these feelings and do not pursue or act on them, you are living Heavenly Father’s sacred law of chastity. You are a beloved child of God and a disciple of Jesus Christ. Remember that the Savior understands everything you experience. Through your covenant connection with Him, you will find strength to obey God’s commandments and receive the blessings He promises. Trust Him and His gospel.”
Is there a place for me at Church?
Yes, there is a place for you at church! And our Church leaders continue to make that clear.
“I worry that some of you feel you don’t fit in Relief Society, that you don’t belong! Whether you feel too young or too old, too rich or too poor, too intelligent or too undereducated, none of us is too different to belong! If I could have my heart’s desire, it would be that every one of you feel like you fit, like you belong. I testify that you do fit, that you do belong to Relief Society—the Good Shepherd’s fold for women.”
“Regardless of your struggles, your background, your upbringing, or anything that makes you feel you don’t belong, remember that the Savior doesn’t want you to go away. If you’ve ever felt alone or excluded, He knows how that feels. He was despised and rejected. He took upon Himself our sins and sorrows and experienced every kind of pain and loneliness. Jesus Christ willingly experienced all of this so He can know how to help us. As we follow Him, we will find that we do belong.”
“In the Church, there are widowed, divorced, and single members; those with family members who have fallen away from the gospel; people with chronic illnesses or financial struggles; members who experience same-sex attraction; members working to overcome addictions or doubts; recent converts; new move-ins; empty-nesters; and the list goes on and on.
The Savior invites us to come unto Him—no matter our circumstances. We come to church to renew our covenants, to increase our faith, to find peace, and to do as He did perfectly in His life—minister to others who feel like they don’t belong. ”
“Elder L. Whitney Clayton, emeritus member of the Seventy, taught: “I now speak directly to Church members who experience same-sex attraction. … We want you to know we love you. You are welcome. We want you to be part of our congregations. You have great talents and abilities to offer God’s kingdom on earth, and we recognize the many valuable contributions you make.”
How do I personally maintain a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ?
Alma taught that we must plant seeds of faith, nourish them, and protect them from harm (Alma 32). If we do so, our understanding will be increased and our testimonies strengthened. We will be better able to discern truth and error. We plant these seeds of faith by believing and acting on the promptings we receive, we nourish them through studying our scriptures, prayer, church and temple attendance, and striving to keep our covenants. We protect our testimonies by carefully choosing which voices we invite to influence us.
Understanding the impact of Christ’s atonement in your personal life is foundational to a testimony of His gospel. He is your personal Savior and advocate with the Father. He will not leave your side. To maintain a testimony of Him, seek Him, learn about His life, stay in relationship with Him, and strive to represent Him by treating others as He would.
Maintaining and growing a testimony of Christ’s gospel requires effort, but you don’t need to be perfect to qualify for His help. Often the parts of us that seem most shameful are the ones that humble us and bring us closer to Him. Let go of feeling unworthy or feeling that you need to earn your place. Let Christ work in you and through you, no matter how many mistakes you feel you have made. He loves you.
How do I maintain healthy female friendships?
As humans, we are built for connection and we need other women in our lives. We see the truth of this even within the organization of the Relief Society and the principles of ministering. Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Every sister in this Church who has made covenants with the Lord has a divine mandate to help save souls, to lead the women of the world, to strengthen the homes of Zion, and to build the kingdom of God.” (Women of Righteousness, Ensign, Apr. 2002, 70.)
The following are a few things we have found helpful for maintaining healthy female friendships. (This list has been compiled with input from the members of our North Star SSA Women’s Group.)
I check my motivations as I interact with my friends.
I have developed a list of red flags and each time I meet a new friend, I check myself against this list to ensure my friendship maintains healthy boundaries:
Do I cancel existing plans in order to spend time with, talk to, or help this friend?
Do I seek a physical, emotional and/or spiritual connection with this friend beyond my typical friendships?
Do I think about my friend excessively all the time?
Has my friendship been built over time in a healthy manner? Or, did I build a “deep friendship” and bond over a few hours or days?
When I am with my “special friend” do I want to be alone with them and resent it when additional people are present, or is it okay to be in a group with her?
We find that our attractions begin with an emotional connection that moves into an emotional enmeshment, then codependency, and then into a romantic and physical realm. If we can recognize the strong emotional connection early, we can stop the progression into something incongruent with the teachings of the gospel, and through the process learn healthier boundaries and ways of interacting.
When I notice that I want to be with only this one friend, and I want them to be everything to me, and I don’t want them spending time with others, and I burn them out, I know that this friendship is not in a healthy place.
One of the ways I’ve noticed that I’m not in a healthy place is when I see my friendships with new friends move through my life like they’re on a Ferris wheel - one person comes into my life, we go around the circle, they leave and another friend comes aboard. When I notice this pattern in my life, I know that I need to check my boundaries and emotional health.
As women who experience SSA, we can be “intensity junkies.” We come into friendships really strong. We can know it’s unhealthy when we leave our time with that person wanting only more time with them, instead of feeling like our cup has been filled. Time together within a healthy friendship will leave us feeling uplifted and ready to re-engage with our spouse or other friends.
We need to watch our thoughts. The moment a new woman comes into my life, I go through the red flags list each time, and if a thought goes through my head that she’s attractive, I don’t entertain that thought. I acknowledge the thought and then allow it to move through me without holding on to it or obsessing on it. This way the thought does not get stuck and I can move on. In this way, the thoughts don’t have time to turn into fantasies or actions.
Have friends that point out and encourage you to manage your red flags.
Always question continuing a friendship when both of us are attracted to each other.
And here’s the ultimate litmus test for us: If I can maintain this friendship — the way we talk together, they way we act together — in front of the prophet, and he’d be okay with it, then I know it’s a healthy friendship.
How open should I be about my attractions?
The answer to that question is personal and entirely up to you–there is no single right answer for everyone. Most people, after recognizing this aspect of themselves, decide to sit with it for a while before sharing. When they do start to share, it is often on a limited, one-on-one basis, with carefully- selected people who are likely to respond with empathy and compassion. As you pray for direction, you will be led to know if the time is right for you to share and with whom. Most people find it helpful to eventually share their experiences around their attractions with at least a few trusted people in their life. Feeling we do not carry this burden alone makes it feel much lighter and helps to release the shame we carry with it.
Should I tell my parents? How?
You and God are the best judges of when to talk to your parents. Those who do so often find that He has been working to prepare parents to hear and respond well, but others have a more negative experience. Asking God to guide you and having a group of wise and trusted friends or leaders you’ve already talked to can create a safety net and have it in place before you share with your parents. Some choose to talk to their parents in person, while others may write a letter or email that will give their parents time to process before talking about it. Counseling with God and with those He leads you to trust will help you decide when and how. When and if you do decide to share, inform your safety net that you’ll be doing so and that you’ll be checking in with them before and after you share.
Should I tell my Bishop or Branch President?
There are multiple reasons to talk with your Bishop or Branch President about your same-sex attraction feelings. You may need help with the repentance process or you may like to have a spiritual advisor who can listen to you and offer an inspired perspective. You may also want to offer them help with others in the congregation who may experience SSA. Whether you talk to your leaders depends on your needs and the direction you feel when you pray. Some women feel more comfortable sharing with another woman, or having another person (male or female) present when meeting with their priesthood leader. Because additional responsibilities have been delegated to Relief Societies and Elders Quorums, your Bishop or Branch President can use the inspiration that comes with his mantle to have one of the leaders in the Relief Society to help support you on an ongoing basis. This may be more comfortable for you, especially at first. If he doesn’t come up with this idea on his own and you think it could be helpful, there is no harm in suggesting it.
Should I tell my Spouse?
Talking to your spouse can increase vulnerability and openness in your marriage. Vulnerability begets vulnerability. For many of us, we have found that through our vulnerability, our marriages have deepened and our relationships have been strengthened as we learn to trust each other with our deepest fears, shame or secrets.
It can also be a shock and create fear and confusion for your spouse. He will wonder what this means for him, for you, and for the relationship. Are you leaving the Church? Leaving the marriage? Pray for guidance to be aware of what his fears will be, and be specific in your intent. If there has been infidelity in your marriage, or friendships with unhealthy boundaries, your husband may wonder what this means for the future of your marriage. If this has been consistent pattern, he may also already have noticed these patterns and been worried about it, so finally knowing may also be a reassurance because at least he finally understands what is happening.
It’s important to understand that your spouse will need to go through his own process of coming to grips with this disclosure. That could look messy, just as your process might at times, so please remember to be patient with each other. Keep in mind that you’ve probably had years to think about this, and he is just learning about it for the first time. While you can help your spouse with this process, he will also likely need support from other individuals who have experience and understanding, or perhaps a trusted therapist or friend. You can encourage your spouse to get additional support.
This process of disclosure and new understanding may mean you and your spouse need to step back from other responsibilities in your church or community in order to focus on your relationship and your family, and this is totally fine.
Should I tell my Children?
Before you tell your children about yourself, you should have some conversations around the general topic of LGBT issues. If you feel nervous about broaching these topics, remember that they are learning about it as young as early elementary school. So they will either learn about this from you or from someone else who may not share your same values.
Often a good way to lead into the topic of same-sex attraction is as part of the general topic of sexuality. Experts say it is important to have multiple conversations with your children about sexuality, not just one conversation and then never speak of it again. The Liahona has a good article about how to discuss sexuality with your children, and a series of videos on this topic in the Gospel Library.
When discussing our own sexuality with our children, we should always teach them about this topic at an age-appropriate level. Ask God to give you the right words to say to address the fears they may feel about the future of the family and their own well-being. One way to talk to your children is to bring up this topic and simply answer the questions that they ask you.
Before telling your children about your SSA, it is helpful to set up a support system for them before you tell them. This will allow them to talk to others they trust, in addition to you, when questions and/or fears arise that they may not, at first, be comfortable speaking with you about directly.
If you have been open to others about your situation, the chances of your children finding out about you from someone else are increased. So when weighing whether or not to tell your children, consider whether you would prefer your children to learn about this from you or from someone else.
Most of us have found it to be a bonding experience when we talk to our children and have found our family relationships strengthen through this process.
Should I date or marry a man?
Many women are happily married to their husbands, however this is a personal decision you need to make with the Lord. Do not allow others to pressure you into making this step when it may not be the right time for you. Church leaders have counseled us that we should not view marriage as a way to “fix” same-sex attraction, and our own experiences confirm this. While marriage is a joyful part of some of our lives, it isn’t a cure for same-sex attraction. And on the other hand, many women have made peace with their same-sex attraction and experience little to no distress about it, without being married to a man. It is best to view our same sex attractions and opposite-sex relationships (like dating and, possibly, eventually marriage) as separate, though related, issues. Success in one area does not guarantee success in the other. Ongoing challenges in one area does not make improvement in the other area impossible. It is best to try to leave the timing and order of our progress to the Lord, and try to humbly follow as He leads us, walking by faith, line upon line, being open and willing to have Him do His will in our lives.
Can I be happy and single in the Church?
The short answer is, absolutely yes! But to give a more longer answer, we have asked some inspiring single women in our community to provide a more complete answer. Please check back soon.