How do I find healthy male friendships that will support me in my spiritual goals?

As humans, we are built for connection and we need other men in our lives. We are fortunate that we hold the Priesthood of God! This entitles us to membership in the greatest brotherhood that has ever existed. While we know all too well that the reality often falls short of the ideal, perhaps in moments you have seen the potential priesthood quorums and other service opportunities offer. That could be while ministering, perhaps on a mission, working side-by-side with other men on a service assignment, or the many other ways we have opportunities to interact. As baptized and ordained men of the Church, we have a right to fellowship and companionship from both sides of the veil. However, that may require us to get vulnerable, to risk going more deeply with other men around us, or, perhaps even more frightening, to ask for help, support, a listening ear, or even a hug. We will need to use the Spirit to determine whom we can trust to take these risks with, because many of us have been hurt before, so it’s extra hard for us to take the risk. But without risk, there is no reward. There is no growth without discomfort.

Some of us have found that Twelve Step groups, including those in the Church like PASG and ARP, can be an excellent place to meet men who are seeking healing but are also open to more intimate connection than is frequently found in our regular church meetings. Even if you aren’t struggling with an addictive or compulsive behavior, you still may enjoy these meetings and the spiritual uplift you find there, because they are often more “real” and vulnerable than regular Church meetings. Another great place is the emotional self-reliance classes that are offered in many Stakes. (If one isn’t offered in your stake, reach out to your leaders—maybe you can facilitate one!) While those who do not experience same-sex attraction will not be able to understand or appreciate everything about our circumstances, we have still found that connecting to other men, and helping them with their burdens, very often makes our own feel lighter.

North Star endeavors to provide fellowship to everyone who shares the goals of addressing our same sex attraction feelings within the gospel framework and while keeping our covenants. So we hope you will find men here who also experience same-sex attraction who will support you in your goals. However, as we try to include the broadest group possible, you will still want to use caution and spiritual discernment to determine whether you should become close friends with any particular individual you may meet at North Star. Some people are new on this journey, and others may find that their goals no longer align with North Star’s mission. Such people can still be great friends, but clearly-communicated boundaries and expectations are never a bad idea. It is hardly ever a bad idea to go slow, and try to involve several individuals when socializing or hanging out, rather than just one-on-one interactions. We have found that the best friendships are about more than just SSA. Merely having SSA in common is rarely enough of a basis to form a stable and healthy friendship. Find people at North Star who share your vision of the world, who have similar goals, and similar interests. C.S. Lewis, writing on friendship in his book The Four Loves says,

In other words, as we learn more about ourselves, find our place in the world that can use our unique talents and vision, and as we are open about these parts of ourselves, we discover that, almost magically, other people are drawn to us who share that same vision, and a “band of brothers” can form. On the other hand, when we are adrift, lack confidence in ourselves and understanding of our place in the world, we rarely can draw anyone else to us except people who are similarly adrift and lacking in confidence. In this way, our work of internal growth on the inside, and forming intimate relationships with others on the outside, work together in a stair-step fashion.

Inevitably, especially when we are new to these kinds of deeper friendships, we may not always easily recognize when a friendship is becoming unhealthy. Obviously this would include sexual or romantic behaviors which take us away from our spiritual and relational goals. But other more subtle things like codependency can also be present, and perhaps be equally unhealthy, though it’s less easy to see. We learn by doing, so some mistakes, especially when caught early on, do not need to be fatal. We learn from the experience and correct for the future. But you might also benefit from the experiences of others. Here are some things some members of our community have found that can help increase the chances that relationships with others with same-sex attraction remain congruent with our spiritual goals:

• We check our motivations—do I want to be around this person because I am attracted to him, or because we have something deeper in common? Do I know the difference between a spiritual bond and a codependent need to be close to him?

• We trust our own intuitions and spiritual guidance about other people, even if appearances suggest otherwise. As Frodo Baggins says in J.R.R. Tolkein’s The Fellowship of the Rings, “it would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart.” Trust the warnings in you heart. We have a duty to be kind and loving to everyone, but that does not mean that we have to let everyone into our close intimate circle, or extend our trust to everyone. Even if a particular person appears really popular and well-liked to others, your misgivings could be a sign that this might not be a healthy friendship for you specifically. Pay attention to how you feel spiritually around that person versus around other people. Does that person bring more light and spirit to me, or less? Do not allow others to manipulate you into violating your boundaries, even if they accuse you of being unloving or not inclusive. Your boundaries are yours and you have a right to set them however is best for you!

• One person shared this list of “red flags” to use when evaluating the health of a particular friendship:

  • Do I cancel existing plans in order to spend time with, talk to, or help this friend?

  • Do I seek a physical, emotional and/or spiritual connection with this friend over and above what I do in my other friendships?

  • Do I think about my friend excessively all the time? Do I worry obsessively what he thinks about me?

  • Do I change my personality and interests to match his? Sometimes to the point of risking losing myself entirely?

  • Do I do things with mixed motives? Do I always have my friend’s best interests at heart, or am I trying to manipulate him to meet my needs?

  • When I am with my one “special guy friend” do I want to be alone with him and feel resentful when other people are around? Can I not wait until I have a chance to be alone with him?

  • Am I jealous when my friend spends time with other people and I’m not invited?

  • Am i tempted to sabotage those other relationships so my friend only has me to rely on?

• Some of us find that we are too intense with male friends at first, and it burns them out so much that they can’t handle how intense and needy we are around them.

• Others of us are so terrified we’ll come on too strong, we fail to reciprocate friendships with other men. They may invite us to do things, but we never invite them back because we can’t imagine another man might enjoy being with us. Tragically, the man may feel like we have rejected him or are a “snob” and too good for him, when obviously we feel nothing of the kind.

• Either way, it’s helpful to ask for (and give) honesty when trying to calibrate how we are behaving in a friendship, so we know when we are coming on too strong, or when we might be being unintentionally neglectful.

• But don’t have too many DTR’s with your friend! (DTR=discuss the relationship.) Remember, men bond mostly by doing. So for many men, it’s best to center your time together on an activity of some sort or other, and then men will often open up and become more vulnerable as they are doing that activity.

• Be curious and observant of our thoughts. We shouldn’t suppress them, but neither should we allow us to become too obsessive or inappropriate with them. If a thought, or a temptation about the friend comes into our minds, we don’t entertain or elaborate on that thought. We acknowledge the thought and then allow it to move through us without holding on to it or obsessing on it. This way the thought does not get stuck and I can move on. In this way, the thoughts don’t have time to turn into fantasies or actions.

• Use other friends as a kind of “sanity check”. Review your text messages or other interactions with that friend with others. Have them give you feedback where you might be displaying a mixed motive or be otherwise inappropriate. Just knowing that you’ll have other people checking in with you will help you be more aware of your motivations and actions with this friend.  

Be extra careful when continuing a friendship where both of you are attracted to each other. This requires heightened and continuous awareness and accountability—to each other and with other trusted friends and family. We have found, much as we want to believe differently, that once a relationship has crossed a romantic or sexual line, there is NO going back. The friendship is forever changed and almost never returns to the deeply intimate and satisfying place it once was. That is not to say you can’t, after a time of repair, return to some form of friendliness or camaraderie. But it is never as good as it was. So before crossing that one-way bridge, ask yourself if losing the friendship is really worth whatever you are desiring from this man sexually or romantically.