North Star Conference Remininscence: Broken in Christ

EMMALEE & DEAN

Before you begin to embark on this read…make sure you have time without being rushed to your next errand for the day. Dean (yes this is what he has preferred to be called for some time and is known by this name in our community) has gently supported me to share with you this email, but the truth be told I wasn’t ready.

I am choosing to be open with you all and hope in return I hope your responses will come with respect and care. I know in the past emails have been used to exchange hurtful words. Words of understanding and healing are welcomed. If you have questions or comments, please ask me directly instead of with an audience.

There are times in our lives when we would rather not share the journey of our life, but somewhere in the mess we discover Christ meeting us where we were, as we are, and leading us to what is yet to come. There are experiences in my story that I would rather be left untold, but I realize that to keep these scars of my heart hidden I am suppressing His story in my life. The adversary would have us focus so much on perfection that we are blocked from feeling the healing power of the Savior's grace.

There are so many places I could take you into my heart but we’ll start in the mountains near Wanship Utah on Friday May 6, 2021. I was at a non-denominational women’s retreat. I didn’t know a soul. After Dean’s transformative experience at this same type of retreat for men, he insisted I needed to go. It was refreshing to get away from the constant pull to go somewhere, or fix something, or work on the never ending list of things to do. I thought this trip was about disconnecting myself from the world to connect my heart to God.

Each speaker took us on a journey into our souls. I was touched, connected, and refreshed. But the last night completely obliterated 14 years of stones that I had carefully and intentionally built around my heart. I wasn't hiding shame. It was the demon of loneliness. Moments when I had felt completely forsaken and left alone. The loneliness was from a silent unspoken hidden truth ever present in my life.

With my wall gone, I realized “somehow I had become deaf to the voice that calls me beloved” (Henri J.M. Nouwen). Before leaving the solitude of the retreat, I reached out to the two messengers who had obliterated the wall of my heart. I knew I needed to open up my heart to Him with them. The burden of a truth that Dean and I agreed to keep safe even before we were married needed to be released in prayer.

There in the solitude of the mountain of His earthly temple I stood shoulder with the messengers of His love. We each took a turn to pray. She went first… tears already rolling down my cheeks. Then it was my turn. I finally spoke the words of loneliness as I had fiercely protected the unspoken truth that Dean was gay.

A few months prior to going to this women’s retreat Dean had started to open his heart to allow a few others to know of the truth in our eternal companionship that he is gay. I supported him in his desire to share. As Dean proceeded to carefully choose who to open his heart to, I could see him being born again in Christ. I could see the weight of keeping the truth in the dark to be replaced with a redeeming light of His love.

I realized at the women’s retreat that I was still in darkness while Dean was stepping into the light. Because I opened my heart with those two messengers on that mount, I was invited to attend the North Star conference. This would be my first time being surrounded by men, women, husbands, and wives who were just as determined as we were to remain true and faithful to our covenants. As I attended this conference, I discovered a new epiphany, gender dysphoria.

I remember how I thought it was so much easier to be a boy. Short hair, no boobs, no periods, no cramps…to me there was just nothing great about becoming a woman. I hated the push to wear makeup, heels, the clothes, and the dresses. I desired nothing in becoming a woman. I loathed it. Sports gave me a way to hide away from those things and allowed me to be the tomboy. This newfound epiphany brought a depth of appreciation as Dean has guided me to truly rejoice in my identity as a wife, mother, & daughter of God. Through covenants our love has endowed us with power to remain ever faithful even in the darkest seasons of our marriage.

From the North Star conference I was guided to a sisterhood of women who also were on the same journey as I. Faithful Latter-day Saint women married to husbands who experience same sex attraction. After 14 years of carefully protecting this truth in loneliness, I started to learn how to break open my heart in ways I never knew. My heart had to break to let the Jesus I never knew to come in with His grace.

14 years of marriage has taken us on a journey of numerous heart shattering experiences. There in the brokenness of our lives we have discovered how God can give us kintsugi hearts. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold.

Just as kintsugi covers the cracks of broken pottery with gold, so has the Savior done the same to our hearts. Restoring that which has been broken to bring fragility, strength, and beauty to our lives beyond what we could have imagined.

Our marriage is being vulnerable with the “broken” in our lives. Our temple covenants to God, to each other, and to our family have endowed us with power beyond what we could have imagined. He loves us as we are, broken. Dean will forever be my safe place to break in Christ’s healing power.

Perhaps you may be wondering how to proceed from here. You may have questions for Dean and I. We are both open to talking about our journey and answering questions you may have.

Emmalee & Dean