His Image in Your Countenance
HEIDI APPLEGARTH
General Conference can show up in unexpected places. Recently, I was contemplating the profound joy I have felt because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I reflected on the joy I have experienced in striving to keep sacred covenants made in the temple, and I allowed my mind to skim over the past several years.
In our religious culture, there exists a profound reverence for the notion of a "happy family." Early in my marriage, I felt an overwhelming compulsion to conceal any disagreements or arguments from friends or family. I hated the idea of people thinking we might be unhappy in any little way. If my husband and I disagreed about a topic, I would often make a joke or laugh things off, hoping others would see us as the ideal couple.
This effort intensified when, after 18 years of marriage, my husband told me that he experiences same-sex attraction. Overnight, my need to project our happiness became almost desperate. I feared that if others learned about his SSA, they would automatically conclude that our marriage was miserable…a burden. The truth was our marriage was imperfect. We argued, we got angry at each other, and occasionally someone slept on the couch, but overall, our marriage was a place of intimacy and joy.
I hoped our joy would shine through as we gradually began to open up to others about our experiences in a mixed-orientation marriage. Many people were very loving and accepting of our choice to stay together. Others spoke behind our backs, making hurtful comments that shed doubt on the ability of any person in a mixed-orientation marriage to truly be happy. I felt extreme annoyance at them for their inability to see us as a happy couple.
As I contemplated my irritation, a snapshot from General Conference flooded my mind. Elder Kearon spoke of a young boy in sacrament meeting who looked up at the branch president on the stand and exclaimed loudly, “What is the man with the mean face doing up there?”[i] This anecdote compelled me to examine my own experiences and the message I was conveying to others through my facial expressions.
What I saw shocked me. I considered myself a happy person. I felt joy in my life and blessed in my marriage. Yet when I spoke to others about my life in a mixed-orientation marriage, I often cried hot tears. They were tears that communicated anger and told others that I felt myself a victim and a martyr…and I did. In my mind, I was not a victim of my husband or our marriage but of those who disagreed with our choice to be together or who refused to see how happy we were. It was the first time that I understood why people might not consider me a happy person. I had been stomping around, screaming at the world, “I’m happy dang it, believe me!” But the reality was, my judgment, resentment, and anger at others for not seeing my happiness had kept me from the deep, profound joy that only comes from loving my neighbor. I was sure my expressions reflected my real feelings, and I knew I needed to repent.
But how could I love others when they were criticizing my choices? How could I love my enemies when they were waiting for my marriage to fail? It didn’t seem possible. And initially, it wasn’t. I couldn’t forgive them until I saw myself in them. When I started to see the reality, I saw the cruelty I had offered innocent people in hating them for their different choices. I noticed the times I was angry with others for judging me when I too was judging them. It became clear that I was angry at people for not seeing how happy I was when I was the one blocking my own happiness!
As I turned to the Lord and asked Him to heal me from my anger, to allow me to let go and to forgive me, I felt surrounded in a deep love, and I thought, “If He can love me, flawed human that I am, then maybe I can love those who struggle with the same condition…humanness.”
I have hope. Knowing that God can forgive me for my treatment of others, gives me hope that I can forgive them. If the God of the universe offers his love to an imperfect individual like me and allows me the opportunity to change, I too can share that love. I’m convinced as I work to do so, my countenance will reflect what I’ve always hoped it would. It will reflect the profound joy that comes from living the gospel of Jesus Christ.
1-Patrick Kearon, “Welcome to the Church of Joy,” Liahona, Nov. 2024