Ten Suggestions for those Struggling with General Conference
September 28, 2020
Jeff Bennion
A list of ideas for you if you find yourself struggling with a message or a speaker you might hear during General Conference.
An old friend of mine used to have unhealthy experiences watching General Conference. He would print out talks and highlight passages where he felt like he was falling short, areas he needed to work on in order to feel acceptable. He'd keep all these talks in a file and go through them periodically. Even women's conference talks, which arguably applied to him less, would cause him to grab his highlighter and outline phrases that he felt he was falling short in—each highlight another blaring yellow sign proving his distinctive ability as a sinner. Unsurprisingly, he grew to dread conference time. It would make him feel horrible about himself. He would isolate from family and friends, and it would take a long time for him to recover his generally positive attitude. The same process would repeat outside of General Conference when he periodically opened that file cabinet and reviewed his manifold shortcomings.
I think that is a good example of how not to have a good experience with General Conference. I don’t think our Church leaders want us to come away from Conference feeling bad about ourselves. While all of us need a course correction from time to time, perhaps even a jarring jolt to wake us up from a spiritual slumber, even that is intended for our good, not to make us more miserable. I've never heard a conference speaker ever say, or even imply, that any child of God was a bad person, beyond hope, rejected or unlovable. And yet for too many, somehow that still can be the message they leave conference with. Others have different negative experiences, where they may feel offended, or disagree strongly with certain messages.
I’ve compiled this list of ideas for you if you find yourself struggling with a message or a speaker you might hear during General Conference. See if any of the questions I’m asking resonate with you. If so, I hope my ideas will help you have a more enriching experience and experience personal growth from having a different experience this time.
1. Am I hearing something the speaker didn’t actually say?
I am a part-time marriage and family therapist, and one thing that always makes me perk up is when one spouse reacts to something the other person did not say. If the other person didn't say it, why did the other person hear it? Very often, the message heard in that case is an old and painful conflict, one that often predates the relationship itself.
In my experience, these unspoken messages contain unrealistic assumptions and negative beliefs which point us to unhealed wounds, or "love maps" (that color our expectations of what our partner should do) we have unthinkingly adopted from other relationships in our life, particularly those of our parents or caregivers relationships to each other and ourselves. Moments of teaching, along with any significant relationship, can expose these assumptions and wounds.
The problem comes when we get triggered emotionally and then move immediately to blame. We might blame ourselves, or we might blame others. Instead of directing that negative emotion somewhere, it can help to get curious about it. Instead of saying something like, "why is she always so mean to me," look inward and say, "hmmm. That is a strong reaction I'm having. I wonder where that is coming from? Has this pattern or belief shown up in my life somewhere else before?"
Instead of lashing out when you hear something that provokes a negative reaction in you, take that strong response as an invitation to consider where you need more healing in your life – even perhaps accepting that as a bracing wake-up call for some unfinished personal work.
During General Conference, if there's a talk you particularly dislike, or feel condemned by, give this a try. It might be difficult - not only because it asks us to sit with unpleasant emotions, but also because social media will likely validate and amplify your blaming feelings, and just get you angrier or more hurt. But that is cheating you of an opportunity for personal growth.
2. Is a third-party interfering with what the Holy Ghost is trying to teach me?
I also need to mention a third party here. One of Satan’s best tricks is disrupting communications and making people feel isolated. Christian author John Eldredge writes in his book Wild at Heart:
Before an effective military strike can be made, you must take out the opposing army’s line of communication. The Evil One does this all the time… especially between couples… Just like in the Garden, Satan comes in to divide and conquer. Often I’ll feel this sense of accusation when I’m with my wife. It’s hard to describe and it usually isn’t put into words, but I just receive this message that I’m blowing it. I finally brought this up with [my wife] and tears came to her eyes. “You’re kidding,” she said. “I’ve been feeling the very same thing. I thought you were disappointed with me.” Wait a minute, I thought. If I’m not sending this message and you’re not sending this message… [who is sending this message?] (p. 160-161, emphasis added.)
Regarding General Conference, if the speakers aren't saying their listeners are worthless and bad people, then who is saying that? Where are these contrary, negative messages coming from? Elder Renlund recently warned, "Lucifer is this accuser. He spoke against us in the premortal existence, and he continues to denounce us in this life.”
There are two important things the Adversary does here—a one-two punch if you will. It's a pattern as old as Eden. First, he gets you isolated and cut off from positive influences around you. And then he accuses (denounces) you. But the third step is worst of all: you decide to agree.
This can be as simple as hearing that message, I'm blowing it, and then thinking, "that's right. I am blowing it." And then, with hardly any thought, the Adversary has laid down another flaxen cord. On its own, it's barely noticeable, almost weightless. But repeated over and over, messages from the enemy about you being unworthy, a failure, bad, and so forth, make these cords stronger and stronger. Unchecked, these can become full blown chains of hell. (Remember, chains are comprised of many small individual links, one tied to another, along the length of the chain.)
To recognize some of these patterns at General Conference time, it can help to go back and look at the written words, comparing what was said, with what you heard. It's the places where those don’t match, and are in fact dramatically different, where you may find some unhealed wounds or some adversarial agreements you need to break. Ask yourself, "where did I first hear that message? At what point did I come to believe that message? What better, truer belief do I need to replace this damaging belief with?"
3. Am I bored by this message because I’ve given up on living this principle?
Another reaction you can have is boredom. You might find yourself rolling your eyes, saying, "oh, here we go, another talk about _____" and then you pull out your phone, and tune out by distracting yourself. Again, get curious. "Where is this coming from? Why is it hard for me to be patient with this particular message?"
It could be you've truly mastered this principle and don't need to learn any more about it. In this case, your impatience is actually with your fellow Saints, because they are not as far along as you are. If this is the case, then this could be an opportunity to be Christlike, though not in the sense you might initially think. How often was Jesus' patience tried because He just couldn't get some concept through His disciples' thick skulls?
On the other hand, it could be that you haven't mastered the subject after all. Instead, you've given up even trying. You want to move on to something less fraught with feelings of failure, and more naturally connected with a hope for success. For myself, writing this, I’m remembering certain gospel topics that cause me to inwardly groan. Oh no, not this AGAIN! You might have a few of those too. For me, they connect to some experiences where I still retain a sense of failure and shame. I have judged myself unrighteously, or refused to allow myself to grow and change.
If, then, you find yourself wanting to check out because there's yet another talk about (missionary work, ministering, food storage, etc.), ask yourself, "what if I tried having a new experience with learning about, and trying to put into practice, this principle that our leaders obviously feel is very important? How can I write a totally new chapter in my life about implementing this principle? Is it possible for me to get to a point where I can appreciate and be encouraged by this message when it comes up as something helpful for me?"
I have a final thought about boredom. A wise person I once knew said, "when you are bored, it's always because you are in a situation where you don't feel like you can express yourself."
I'm not sure about that 'always' (this friend was always very definitive in his pronouncements), but when I'm bored, this is a great question to explore. What is it about this situation that makes me feel like I don’t belong? Which aspects of myself do I feel are unwelcome, or misunderstood here? If nothing else, this might make an otherwise boring, ho-hum talk into a free self-therapy session!
4. Am I prematurely dismissing the message as not applicable to me?
A similar reaction to boredom is dismissal. That's when you hear a talk about a topic you feel doesn't apply to you. Perhaps you are single and the speaker is giving a talk about parenthood. Perhaps you live in a small apartment and you are hearing a talk about the importance of a three month (and longer) supply of food. Perhaps you hear a talk about preparing for a mission but you are not eligible to serve.
I propose that you turn the idea around. Instead of thinking of how the talk doesn’t apply to you, ask yourself how it does apply to you.
Find ways to adapt and apply the principle to yourself. Are there principles of parenthood that might apply to you as a single person—perhaps as discussion points during dating, or perhaps in other relationships, like with nieces and nephews, or perhaps this is the time you pull the trigger and sign up for a mentoring opportunity? There might not be room enough for an entire three month's supply in your apartment, but you realize that you could fit a lot of canned goods under your bed. Since we are all missionaries, are there elements of this talk that might help you better share the gospel or become a better spokesman for the gospel? (Some of the best missionaries I know never served full-time missions.)
5. Am I under the influence of the spirit of accusation?
Sometimes, instead of feeling accused, as I mentioned above, we can take on the role of accuser. The devil can trick you into taking over his job! As we see Satan doing in the Book of Job, and as he is called in the Book of Revelation, he is an accuser. When we take on this Spirit of Accusation, especially of the brethren (Rev. 12:10) we are on very dangerous ground. Some signs that you are falling under the influence of the Spirit of Accusation are when you start imputing dark and uncharitable motives to a speaker or someone else in our lives. Do you find yourself interpreting the words in a particularly dark or uncharitable way? When someone makes a statement, do you want to rephrase it so it sounds particularly negative? For example, "she's only saying this because she's greedy and wants more money." Or, "he's saying this because he secretly hates me and wants me to be unhappy."
This is the Spirit of Accusation.
Accusation is a difficult Spirit to resist right now, because in our current age, the larger American culture is entirely possessed by a Spirit of Accusation. You cannot be on social media for even a few minutes before you see one person or another accusing another of the most vile and outrageous things, often on the basis of little to no evidence, and before long many others are piling on to condemn this supposedly evil person.
You'd think after all our negative historical experiences with mobs, we Latter-day Saints might be a little more hesitant to join in. I hope we are. As Charles Mackay observed in Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds, "men go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one." So, when I am tempted to pile on, I am extremely grateful when I manage to remember this observation, because then I can take a moment to ask myself, "is this a sane bandwagon I have jumped on? Could it possibly be time to get off, even if it seems like all the cool, important people are jumping on?"
Blame (another term for accusation) is a very seductive impulse because it seems to remove the unpleasant emotion from inside of us and put it on another person. But that’s an illusion. Because this is actually a recipe for "perpetual anger and intergroup conflict." And even worse, "It generates fear, destroys trust… and shifts the burden of seeking true or more complex explanations.” As Dan Ellsworth points out, “The blame mentality also resonates with a ‘victimization’ worldview: where someone else must have been responsible for [whatever we see as] ‘wrong,’ and this someone must be called to account; they must ‘pay,’ be punished or suffer in return. Blame provides a cathartic focus for our anger and our murderous rage and hate."
But that focus is outside of ourselves, which means beyond our control. That is seductively appealing, because that means it's not our fault. But that's also damning, because we can do nothing about it. But the reality is that we are stuck because someone else must change in order for us to get unstuck.
How do we exorcise this Spirit of Accusation? It can help to consciously convey to God our awareness of the accusing Spirit – and our desire for something better. Then, to do whatever we can (with His help) to cultivate the opposite of this heavy, hostile spirit: Forgiveness and charity.
It is possible some things that are said to us could have been expressed more artfully, less hurtfully. Those infractions we can and should forgive, which may be a process that takes time and continued effort.
Charity says that instead of thinking the worst of the speaker, we try to think the best. When your impulse is to rephrase what was said into something darker, choose the opposite one: what is a way to rephrase it so that it's more loving, more helpful, more encouraging? See if you can open your mind to the possibility that this is the message the speaker intended for you to receive. Could it be that the speaker doesn't want the worst for you, but in fact wants the best for you? Look for reasons to see that in others.
We remove this Spirit of Accusation through repentance, repenting of thinking ill of our fellow brethren and sisters. Even hearing the term ‘repentance’ in this context may sound hurtful or offensive, but it's meant in this context the same way President Nelson's recent words on repentance were intended. "Too many people,” he said, “consider repentance as punishment—something to be avoided except in the most serious circumstances. But this feeling of being penalized is engendered by Satan. He tries to block us from looking to Jesus Christ, who stands with open arms, hoping and willing to heal, forgive, cleanse, strengthen, purify, and sanctify us."
He continues, "Nothing is more liberating, more ennobling, or more crucial to our individual progression than is a regular, daily focus on repentance. Repentance is not an event; it is a process. It is the key to happiness and peace of mind. When coupled with faith, repentance opens our access to the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ."
This means that the opportunity to change our thinking as President Nelson explains here is something to be welcomed, something to lean into, rather than avoid or shut ourselves off to. It’s also something to be patient with ourselves for – recognizing that this may be something we come back to more than once.
As the Preacher says "The words of the wise are as goads, and as nails fastened by the masters of assemblies, which are given from one shepherd." (Ecclesiastes 12:11). This is what I want from the Lord in my life – to be “goaded” into growing outside of my comfort zone and be fixed and immovable like a nail fastening me to good principles. When you look at the Good Shepherd's ministry, you see a lot of kindness, but you also see some sharpness and rebuke as well. It should not be surprising if His servants might also on occasion reprove "with sharpness" (which means “clarity”). Hopefully, those moments will not prevent us from also feeling their "increase of love" thereafter. (D&C 121)
6. Okay, but could the speaker just be wrong?
I've had moments where I've listened to or read a talk and felt a strong disagreement. I'll think to myself, that can't be right. And then I'll start arguing in my head with the speaker, thinking of other talks, scriptures, facts, and so forth that prove the speaker wrong. When I get in this state, I want to disregard the entire talk as fatally flawed, and I just focus on other talks I find more uplifting and encouraging. While I think we should revisit talks that we found helpful and inspiring, I also think we should re-engage with talks we have strong disagreements with.
This quote from the noted Bible scholar N. T. Wright is very helpful. He teaches that “the Bible will not let you down” and advocates, “paying attention to [sacred text] rather than sitting in judgment over it—not coming to it with preconceived notions of what this or that passage has to mean if it is to be true.” For those who approach scriptural text (or I might add, General Conference) in this way, Wright continues:
You will discover that God is speaking new truth through it. I take it as a method in my biblical studies that if I turn a corner and find myself saying, ‘Well, in that case, that verse is wrong’ that I must have turned a wrong corner somewhere. But that does not mean that I impose what I think is right onto that bit of the Bible, either. It means, instead, that I am forced to live with that text uncomfortably, sometimes literally for years, until suddenly I come round a different corner and discover that the verse makes a lot of sense; sense that I wouldn’t have got if I had insisted on imposing my initial view on it from day one. (Emphasis added.)
Of course, it is possible that some principle or policy espoused will in fact turn out to be revised and corrected later. But to automatically assume that this will happen with this particular talk or announcement you disagree with is taking the easy way out! You are missing out on a fantastic opportunity. True confession: sometimes I read conference talks and even scriptures where I am sitting in judgment over it, rather than engaging with it seriously.
Have you ever done that? If so, I invite you to take this different approach. Of course, re-read those talks you find uplifting and inspiring. But also stay engaged with the talks you disagree with. Instead of thinking of all the ways it is wrong, ask yourself, in what ways might this be correct? Look for what is right about it, instead of only what you consider to be wrong. Look at the principles and doctrines behind the statement.
You may often find that you come around to the speaker's point of view, and even appreciate it. But even if that doesn't happen, your understanding of the principle will be greatly deepened. Those conference talks you disagree with won't let you down!
7. If I’m offended, could something else be going on?
For my own moments of discomfort in hearing a message though, it's hardly ever merely an intellectual disagreement. There's some fire behind my eyes while I'm disagreeing with something I'm hearing. For some reason, I'm taking it personally. If this happens to you, get curious. You might be feeling judged as being wicked, controlled, misunderstood, or criticized. While staying open to reading extra judgment and condemnation into a message, it could also be the case that there really is some judgment and condemnation directed at me. I carefully screen for unsent but heard messages, but it’s sometimes the case that it’s right there in black and white on the page.
Even so, our emotional reaction to the speaker is not about the intellectual message, but something deeper and older, that goes back to other painful experiences we may have had. So the first question to ask yourself is, Where has this happened to me before? It could be you have some unfinished internal emotional business that needs to be healed.
I've already covered cases where we might take offense where none is intended. I have also been around members of the Quorum of the Twelve and First Presidency when it seemed they were over-tired, abrupt, or overly focused on accomplishing the task at hand at the expense of people. I expect they have other character flaws as well, since they are imperfect human beings.
When I encounter one of these "human moments" in a leader or someone else I know, I try to judge with the same standard I want to be judged by (see Matthew 7:2). Because let’s face it, you and I have been all of these things, and maybe worse. Even so, I hope people will remember me at my best, not my worst. I hope people will give me grace when they see my evident flaws. I hope people will allow me to grow and change, and not assume I am the same immature person I was years ago, but also allow me space to grow even more because I know I'm not done. If this is how I want to be treated, then I need to treat others this way as well.
The Lord knew this would happen! Speaking of His Prophet, the Lord said, "his word ye shall receive, as if from mine own mouth, in all patience and faith." (D&C 21:4-5) If we always experienced the words and actions of Church leaders as loving and uplifting, we wouldn't need either patience or faith. Put your patience and faith to work when you feel this way. It will be rewarded. (Note the promises in verse 6 that immediately follows. Also, see the promises for those with patience and faith in Revelations 14:12-13).
8. Do I correctly understand the speaker’s point of view?
Consider the speaker's point of view, which may be different from your own, and consider that they are sincere in that point of view. An evangelical teacher I admire taught me something about this idea. She was responding to the question: "why are you evangelicals always pushing this Jesus guy on everyone? Don't you realize that not everyone is interested in Jesus! Do us a favor and leave us alone with your Jesus talk."
I don't have her exact words, but the sense of what she responded is this: "Jesus Christ laid a universal mandate on us to take the gospel 'to all the world.' I believe that, because of sin, we will go to hell if we do not have faith in Jesus and repent of our sin. He is the only way we can be saved from sin. Since all have sinned, all need Jesus. Universal sin means we need universal Jesus. For me to 'leave you alone with this Jesus talk' would mean I am giving you up to hell. In order to be intellectually consistent, I have to spread this message as far as possible. But even worse, I would be a terrible Christian if I wanted people to go to hell. I can't give up on them just because they don't like it right now."
Although Latter-day Saints have a different view of hell, I like how her answer illustrates positive intent behind what may otherwise be experienced as a challenging message. Obviously, this principle can be
taken too far when it doesn't respect agency (forced conversions in historical Christianity, for example), but we might consider how else we could better realize where a challenging speaker is coming from, and credit them with sincerity coming from their point of view. This might help those on the receiving end of it be more patient. Often, we'll do the opposite--assuming they actually have our point of view, but they're just saying something different because they are a mean or bad person. What if they actually are seeing this differently from you, and speaking sincerely from that point of view?
9. Could I be in a dysfunctional relationship with my ecclesiastical leaders?
We can have a dysfunctional relationship to Church authorities at times. We can attribute godlike powers of perception to them, and all kinds of potentially helpful secret knowledge they partake of but don't share. For example, a friend of mine was struggling to reconcile his faith with his same sex attraction. He got a private moment with a member of the Quorum of the Twelve and told him about his situation and asked him for advice. He came away feeling disappointed that this brother didn't have more to offer him. I said to my friend, "do you think if Elder ______ had some magic method for making your Church membership easier, he would keep it to himself? Secondly, what gives you the impression that Elder ______ would know more about living your life than you do? Why are you asking him to do that work for you?"
Perhaps these assumptions arise because some of us have had experiences where it really does seem like a particular speaker is speaking directly to our soul and to our own situation. (I have.) The problem is, when this happens, we are in danger giving credit to the wrong person. It is the Holy Ghost that is doing the work here, not the speaker. It is the Holy Ghost giving us much-needed counsel and direction. Of course, the speaker had to be in tune enough to craft and deliver the message, and we can be grateful to them for that aspect. But after that happens, the Holy Ghost takes over and He is the one who actually delivers it to our heart and helps us apply it to our situation. When it seems like someone has godlike powers, in fact God is acting through them. (See Alma 18:2,19)
It's my job, not any Church leader's, to work out my own salvation, with fear and trembling. I am responsible for the decisions I make. I am accountable for them, and I am the one who must live with them. If you feel pressured to act in a certain way, make sure you remember that you are the one who has to live with the decision, not the person exerting the pressure. Take ownership of even those more challenging choices.
None of this has to be so lonely either. While we need to get over the codependency of holding our Church leaders (or others) responsible for our salvation, the verses in Philippians make clear that this process is not a solitary one. It's one where we invite God to work within us and that, crucially, includes the bowing the knee to the Savior. (See Philippians 2:5-13)
10. Could this message really not apply to me?
Finally, it's possible that a particular principle might not apply to you. President Dallin Oaks explained this principle so well I am simply going to quote it extensively here:
If you feel you are a special case, so that the strong counsel I have given doesn't apply to you, please don't write me a letter. Why would I make this request? I have learned that the kind of direct counsel I have given results in a large number of letters from members who feel they are an exception and they want me to confirm that the things I have said just don't apply to them in their special circumstance. [Note the dysfunctional relationship to Church authority implied in this desire to get “absolution” from a Church leader who’s not his Bishop.]
I will explain why I can't offer much comfort in response to that kind of letter by telling you an experience I had with another person who was troubled by a general rule. I gave a talk in which I mentioned the commandment, "Thou shalt not kill." Afterwards a man came up to me in tears saying that what I had said showed there was no hope for him. "What do you mean?" I asked him.
He explained that he had been a machine gunner during the Korean War. During a frontal assault his machine gun mowed down scores of enemy infantry. Their bodies were piled so high in front of his gun that he and his men had to push them away in order to maintain their field of fire. He had killed a hundred, he said, and now he must be going to hell because I had spoken of the Lord's commandment, "Thou shalt not kill."
The explanation I gave that man is the same explanation I give to you if you feel you are an exception to what I have said. As a General Authority, it is my responsibility to preach general principles. When I do, I don't try to define all the exceptions. There are exceptions to some rules. For example, we believe the commandment is not violated by killing pursuant to a lawful order in an armed conflict. But don't ask me to give an opinion on your exception. I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord.
The Prophet Joseph Smith taught this same thing in another way. When he was asked how he governed such a diverse group of saints, he said, "I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves" (quoted by John Taylor, in Millennial Star, 15 Nov. 1851, p. 339). In what I have just said, I am simply teaching correct principles and inviting each one of you to act upon these principles by governing yourself.
I mention this principle last for a reason, however. It's too easy to dismiss a particular bit of counsel as not applicable to us. But if we do that too early, we might miss out on some valuable knowledge and growth. Make this the last resort as you grapple with difficult conference talks.
Conclusion
If you find you're having a hard time with a particular talk, or General Conference in general, consider whether any of these might apply:
See if the message reminds you of other negative relationship patterns, experiences, and failures
Consider whether these negative emotions are showing you where you have further opportunities for growth.
Learn to recognize the Spirit of Accusation in yourself
Try to impute positive motives and attempt to interpret the message in the most charitable way possible.
Be curious, not judgmental--about yourself, and about the speaker.
Examine your relationship with authority, particularly Church authority
Stay engaged with difficult principles. Be patient with yourself and the teachings as you grapple with them.
Recognize that the Lord knows your faith and that your patience will sometimes be tried by His chosen leaders, and perhaps that’s what the Lord intends for you. That is part of His plan!
I have had had negative and positive experiences with conference. Some of them have seemed almost Pentecostal, while others have been ho hum. As I’ve looked back, I realize much of that is dependent on what I bring to the experience, rather than the objective quality of the speakers. I have a testimony that the Lord can speak to us through His chosen servants. I pray your experience with General Conference will be an uplifting one for you.