Misconceptions about Mindfulness and Sexuality - Part 2
November 24, 2020
By Jacob Hess, Blake Fisher, Blaine Hickman, Ty Mansfield
PART II
In part two we address a few of the widespread confusions about what mindfulness means (and doesn’t mean) for questions around sexuality and identity.
As mindfulness has spread in popularity across American society, misconceptions of what it means have also arisen. Like other popular words (“dialogue, empowerment, democracy, love”), this word has been defined so expansively, in so many ways and for so many purposes that it can start to feel mushy and downright confusing. In part one, we introduced broad brushstrokes of a mindfulness-based approach to sexuality. The purpose of this second article is to summarize key confusions that exist about what mindfulness is—especially in terms of how it applies to questions around sexuality and identity.
As before, if any of this raises a question or concern, please share your thoughts. If this sparks something in you, we’d love to hear from you.
1. What mindful acceptance is—and isn’t.
Allowing things to be exactly as you find them is not the same as “accepting things as they currently are as good or perfect.”
When students begin a mindfulness class, it’s common to start lying down or sitting in a still posture—with an invitation to focus attention on some aspect of experience that is easy to feel in the body: the breath, or physical sensations in the body.
When the mind wanders—as it inevitably does—the invitation is to bring attention back to the object of focus. Again and again.
Doing this over and over helps develop a greater ability to be present—right here. But the practice doesn’t stop there. Once people settle into the stillness, we almost always add something like this, “Whatever you’re noticing in your body, mind, and heart...allowing things to be exactly as you find them. Not trying to force things to be any different—at least not now—and with no need to fix or control anything in any way.”
Many find that a relieving suggestion—a bit of permission to stop resisting or fighting what is.
And instead, to be with it. Whatever that is—and no matter how you feel about it—to accept that it is here. And maybe that’s okay—at least for now.
Yet as Jon Kabat-Zinn is quick to point out, this kind of acceptance is not the same as “resignation.” For many reasons, you may be eager for some—or many aspects—of your day-to-day experience to improve, expand, or evolve. That is certainly true of those facing serious faith questions—as it is for many other painful experiences, like emotional health problems or relationship tensions.
Ironically sometimes the quickest way to make progress in a confusing challenge is to cease trying-so-hard to make the progress happen! As the poet Osho once wrote,
“Sitting silently, doing nothing, the spring comes and the grass grows by itself.” Or as Dr. Mark Williams of Oxford puts in a more scholarly way, “When we stop trying to force pleasant feelings, they are freer to emerge on their own. When we stop trying to resist unpleasant feelings, we may find that they can drift away by themselves.”
That’s why acceptance is powerful—especially this kind of acceptance. There’s another version of “acceptance” popular these days in the broader culture—one that celebrates a kind of radical self-embrace. Compared with the message of “allowing things to be exactly as they are,” this acceptance calls for us to embrace “who you are, exactly as you feel—as just right...even perfect.” In turn, this acceptance denounces anyone who would dare question how you see yourself—“too bad others can’t learn to be accepting of the way things are.”
To be clear, though, there is a significant and important difference between saying “This is my experience, it is what it is, I am where I’m at and I choose from here” and “This is who I am, This defines me, I must embrace this experience in order to be true to myself.” The first statement is free of judgment and full of permission to be both who and where a person is. Here, change is inevitable as a person moves onto the next moment, the next experience, the next choice to be made. By contrast, the second statement is heavy with narrative and judgement and suggests a sort of closing doors to any future development.
If you’ve never heard a distinction between these two, that might be because within the predominant narrative, there is no distinction. We’ve heard more than one well-intentioned believer propose this kind of radical self-embrace as reflecting “mindful acceptance,” “true compassion” and even God’s will. Many well-intentioned therapists we know even propose this as a goal of counseling—complete acceptance of everything someone is feeling as “who they are” (and then, pushing back on and working through resistance from anyone or institution that says otherwise—including the Church).
To be clear, however, most mindfulness teachers through the ages wouldn’t agree. Nor would the Buddha himself—who encouraged people to pursue not only a lifetime of “enlightenment,” but also what he called “right speech, right action, right understanding, right thought, right livelihood, and right effort”—among other things.
Not quite the morally relative “everything is right” mantra of American popular culture, right?
Elder D. Todd Christofferson has similarly taught, “In much of the world, relativist thinking has become a dominant philosophy. By relativism I mean the view that ethical or moral truths are relative, that they depend on the attitudes and feelings of those who hold them, and that no one can judge the validity of someone else’s ‘truth.’ You hear a lot of talk these days about ‘my truth’ and ‘his truth’ or ‘her truth.’... I think you would agree that the philosophy of moral relativism has made great inroads in our time. “Not judging” has become an almost unchallengeable standard for conversation and behavior. But in reality, we all make judgments about what is right and wrong, and not just for ourselves, but for the people and the society around us.”
Jesus Himself, of course, even while loving us right where we are, calls us towards the “mighty change” of spiritual rebirth and “becoming a new creature”: hardly a program of radical self-acceptance either.
To summarize, then: allowing things to be “exactly as you find them” is not the same as accepting the details of our lives as forever good, right and perfect. The former is welcome relief on the journey of growth, while the latter is a uniquely modern self-glorification that contradicts any path of growth, and especially one as a disciple on the covenant path towards exalting love.
2. What an eternal pursuit of growth is—and isn’t.
Encouraging continual learning and growth is not the same as being incessantly dissatisfied.
The restored gospel of Jesus Christ focuses centrally on learning, growing, and repenting as foundations of “eternal progression.” Yet in some popular portrayals of mindfulness today, any such invitation towards continued progress can be characterized as “ceaseless, unhealthy striving.” Far less acknowledgement is given to the way in which personal growth can be God-inspired, grace-filled and supremely gentle. It was to address precisely this misconception that an entire chapter in The Power of Stillness was focused on competing narratives of eternal progression, including this:
Our aspirations toward heavenly things simply don’t require us to be constantly, naggingly dissatisfied with the present moment. We can get away from a pressure-filled, stressed-out, self-loathing approach to growth and progress without abandoning the idea of progress and growth altogether.
After noting that growth is an “inescapable part of mindfulness practice,” the authors of the book say, “there is nothing that says the pursuit of profound change on the pathway of eternal progression cannot also be experienced as compassionate, spacious, grace-filled, and shot through with love...in another word, mindful. We believe that is just as Christ would intend it.”
Rather than being a pressure-filled, guilt-fueled endeavor of chronic dissatisfaction, the authors go onto further highlight the many ways in which Christ and His Church encourage a gentle, grace-filled quest that can fill our lifetimes with incredible learning and growth—not to mention overflowing, exalting love.
This type of growth and progression might be symbolized in the following example: Anyone who has been around a toddler learning to walk has observed an intensity of seeking after growth that can be remarkably focused and intentional. These repetitive attempts to achieve balance and spatially navigate, despite so many failures, are evidence of an inherent desire for growth and development. A baby, however, doesn’t learn to walk as a by-product of criticism—either inside or out. It is comical to imagine a baby looking around at the walking adults around him, thinking to himself “Ugh! This crawling business is unacceptable! I can’t believe I haven’t figured this out already! What’s wrong with me?” The process of learning at this stage is motivated simply by a desire to walk, and perhaps a curiosity about how to make it happen. Without any condemnation, shame or pressure, marvelous growth still happens.
To a Latter-day Saint, the practice of mindfulness might be seen as the practice of letting go of self-criticism as the fuel for motivation, and learning to trust that the Light of Christ will draw us in the direction of growth. A sort of “getting out of the way” of Christ and trusting that He can and will do as He says. That He will, as C.S. Lewis describes it, make us “little Christs.”
3. What compassion and “making space” is—and isn’t.
Making compassionate space for internal sensations, impulses, attractions, and orientations is not the same as embracing these internal experiences as essential, unquestionably good or a reflection of higher reality.
No question, it can be valuable for anyone to make a little more space around what’s going on inside—no matter what that is. Many have found that added space, openness and curiosity can do a great deal to decrease suffering often associated with internal conflicts of many kinds.
However, making space for these internal experiences—and doing so compassionately—is not the same thing as embracing these nuanced experiences as automatically good, true or a reflection of who we are—or our ultimate reality. Whereas the former encourages gentleness, watchfulness and patience (without necessarily dictating what the experiences mean for bigger questions), the latter goes well beyond this, to the point of asserting that these internal experiences also mean a great deal for bigger questions involving reality and identity.
In the latter case, rather than simply holding and watching these internal experiences, individuals are encouraged to embrace and accept them as a marker of some of the most important questions in life: who I am, who I love, and what my life should look like if I’m ever to find real happiness.
Whereas the second mindset charts out a brand new pathway for happiness, the former does not. Why not?
Because in our experience mindfulness spaciousness does not come built-in with a pre-set agenda. The goal is simply to help us see all the different things happening inside us and around us—making space for us to be aware of what’s happening, so we can direct our lives. In stark contrast to those encouraging people to take their marching orders from these internal experiences, mindfulness says: “no—now hold on. Let’s just check this all out. Make space. Watch. Observe.”
Mindfulness, then, does not raise a monological message to be followed—as much as inviting us all into deeper dialogue with our own experiences. Compared with the strong imperative to embrace, act upon, and identify with whatever we’re feeling or experiencing, the spaciousness of mindfulness is an invitation to step back, to consider, and to reflect. In most cases, this kind of space opens up an awareness of new possibilities and an expanded sense of agency in navigating various options in how to relate to our present feelings and experiences.
4. If you are mindful enough, you will “discover” your sexuality.
Becoming more aware of patterns in our present experience is not the same as uncovering an essentialist state of being who we always and forever will be.
We sometimes talk as if there is a concrete, static thing called “sexuality” within us and that it exists independent of internal mental and emotional world or the context of day-to-day evolutions in life around us. More and more, we hear people even talk about mindfulness and meditation as tools to explore and eventually find your sexuality and other intangibles like “self esteem” or “personality” as if they also exist like objective, internal entities.
Statements like “when I discovered my sexuality” reinforce this idea. Indeed, people are often led to believe that one of the most important things you can do in life is discover your sexuality (and you don’t actually “know yourself” until you do).
Furthermore, not only do you have to discover your sexuality, but you have to know exactly how to describe it and what label to use (again, employing mindfulness as a tool in this process). Youth, in particular, are feeling more and more pressure to understand and label their sexualities earlier and earlier—in an all-important, internal treasure hunt for something that actually exists in a concrete, unchanging, knowable, eternal form.
Ultimately, we would suggest this reflects a danger of turning labels into something prescriptive rather than descriptive: “I have to know what my sexuality is so that I know what to do.” Even when seeking to be descriptive, it is wise to be aware just how language doesn’t only reflect our experience. It can actually shape it—or shape the interpretive frame through which we incorporate it into a sense of self. Similarly, as award-winning Cambridge writer Robert MacFarlane has said, “Language does not just register experience, it produces it.”
Subsequently, when someone’s patterns with sexual attraction shift or evolve, in order to hold on to this idea the sexuality is static and eternal, people have to make statements like, “While I used mistakenly think I was bisexual, I actually found out I’m actually gay, but internalized-homophobia kept me from seeing my sexuality clearly.”
Of course there may be patterns in our individual experiences with sexual attraction, but mindfulness helps us see each moment as just that: a moment. A snapshot in time. Thus, the idea that we need to cling to a very defined label, picture, and description of our sexuality seems to contrast with principles of non-attachment and mindfulness, etc.
One man’s experience illustrates some of this well:
“The vast majority of times when I’ve experienced romantic or sexual attraction, it has involved me having those feelings about another guy. This was true in my everyday life, as well as in dreams, etc. Noticing this pattern, I felt confident calling myself gay.
You can imagine how surprised I was when I woke up after an extremely romantic dream about a woman. “Have I been labeling myself incorrectly all this time? Am I actually bisexual? If so, what am I going to do? How am I going to live my life?”
I was even more surprised years later when I developed strong feelings (including sexual and romantic feelings) for a female friend. This had never happened to me before. “Maybe I’ve been wrong about my ‘sexuality’. What word do I use to describe myself now? I don’t want to misrepresent my sexuality or lie. When someone asks, ‘Are you gay?’ do I have to respond, ‘Yes, except a few times... or…99% of the time. Is 99% enough to still say I’m gay?’”
Experiences like these helped me see how tightly I was holding onto the idea that my sexuality is something set, perfectly knowable, and eternally constant. Now, when I notice that I have developed a crush on a guy, I realize that I have a crush on ‘THAT’ guy, in ‘THAT’ moment. When I have a romantic dream about a woman, I realize that I had ‘A’ romantic dream about ‘A’ woman. I allow each moment to be just that, a moment. I can then choose to react, or not react, to each moment as it arises.
5. Being mindful will help you always feel peaceful about your sexuality.
Cultivating the conditions for deeper peace in our lives is not the same thing as (and does not always align with) feeling right now.
Our mortal experience involves a wide spectrum of stretching, conflicting, and challenging emotions and experiences. Rather than simplifying that spectrum, mindfulness can help us sit with the full richness of it—and experience it more deeply. That means feeling not only the sweet, but also the bitter, with more clarity.
Pushing less away from one, and grabbing greedily less to the other. This same individual continued, “I first joined a meditation group because I was avoiding feeling the pain and tensions involved with being a Latter-day Saint who is gay/SSA. Anytime the pain and dissonance would surface, I’d stuff it right back down. Meditation has helped me feel and observe the grief, pain, loss, and tension involved in sexuality just as much as it’s helped me feel and observe the joy and fun.”
This man elaborated on what this meant in his day-to-day experiences:
Feeling the powerful pull of sexual attraction and choosing not to follow that pull results in a fair amount of tension. At times, I’ve chosen to ignore that tension and at other times I’ve tried to fight it. Both ignoring and fighting led to suffering. Choosing to feel the tension and then sit in it may sound like torture to some, but in reality it has been revealing, refining, and even exalting. I have experienced what it’s like to have Jesus Christ sit with me in that dissonance and have learned how to sit with others in their unique tensions.
This man then went on to share about a relationship that emerged, and how mindfulness impacted how he responded:
A while back, I met someone new and my feelings of attraction toward him develop fairly quickly and intensely. Earlier in my life, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to feel these emotions. This time, however, I chose to allow myself to actually experience the butterflies and twitterpation rather than numbing it all out.
As the relationship deepened, so did the feelings of attraction and love. For a variety of reasons, we chose not to pursue a romantic relationship, which was really difficult and hurt immensely. I chose to feel the pain and loss associated with that decision just as I had allowed myself to feel the love and butterflies.
As reflected here, mindfulness helped to make space around a complex, emotional decision, rather than dictate how this man should proceed. Rather than some kind of a tonic or salve that brought immediate relief or comfort, mindfulness practice also opened him to the full spectrum of what the decision entailed. He concluded:
I have learned how important it is to feel both love and the loss… numbing one also numbs the other, which just leads to a lot of emptiness. However, learning how to truly feel both the joy and the pain leads to a very full life, meditation has helped me in this process. Sometimes mindfulness really hurts, and other times it’s full of relief and joy.
As Dr. Joanne Cacciatore from Arizona State University puts it, “When we limit our ability to tolerate [challenging] emotions, what we do, in a sense, is we also limit our capacity to experience the positive emotions in life. So our life becomes very small so that we can manage this constricted emotional state.” She went on to say that by allowing ourselves to go into the challenging emotions and experience them, we not only learn to tolerate those emotions, but we “learn to grow and transcend our place in the world”—citing Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who said, “the people who have experienced loss, the people who have experienced trauma, the people who have experienced suffering—those are the most beautiful people in the world. She says beautiful people don’t just happen.”
“There is beauty all around,” it’s true—in the faces of sons and daughters of God all around us. The full, deepest beauty of each of us, however, comes in yielding ourselves to a God whose pathway is specifically designed to lead us to what we like to call “exalting love.” This is the highest, truest, best love we can imagine—far better than anything that “eye has seen...ear heard” or which has “entered into the heart of man.”
That’s what “God has prepared for those who love Him.”
Let’s seek after it, find it, and receive it, together.